GRAVENHURST, ON – Local Dad Emil Johnston, 39, demonstrated substantial knowledge of the alien robots known as Transformers at a Toys R Us yesterday, and the response of his two children was a confused mixture of respect and pity.
“Oh, Starscream,” Johnston said as he casually picked up a plane-slash-robot off a rack. “He came back as a ghost after he was killed by Galvatron. That was in Generation 1, of course.”
“Yeah, like, it is really cool that Dad knows so much about transformers,” said 8-year old Wyatt Johnston. “But also, why does he know about that and not grown up stuff, like how to make us Kraft dinner? Like, am I the grown up or him?”
Despite protests from his children to stop being so weird, Emil continued revealing a deep and intricate knowledge of the children’s toys during the car ride home.
“You know I’ve got a Scorponok in a box in our basement at home,” said the elder Johnston, looking at his children with a hopeful expression. “Maybe we could dust that off, put it through its paces? He’s the largest headmaster transformer! Well, him and Fortress Maximus.”
“I don’t like this,” explained Kirsten, Emil’s 12-year-old daughter. “Why does my dad still know this stuff? I mean, shouldn’t he have had this stuff pushed out of his brain when he started dating mom and got a job? Why does he remember the history of the Beast Wars and doesn’t remember what time to pick me up from school?”
Things reached a deeper level of sadness for the family when their Dad was brought to the point of tears during a rant about how Michael Bay stole his childhood, and Wyatt realized he was seeing a vision himself in thirty years talking about Fortnite.