OTTAWA – Government officials at the federal, provincial, and municipal levels have finished the construction of a fake flooded area to distract political leaders from disrupting real disaster responses in flooded areas throughout Ontario, Quebec, and New Brunswick.
A disaster scene was haphazardly put together featuring mannequins as victims, a scattering of scrap metal from a dump, and a few sandbags recycled from last year’s flood.
“We need volunteers to shake hands and be thanked,” said a Public Safety Canada official encouraging people to sign up for the much needed ruse. “If you’re good a small talk and inflating egos, you’re desperately needed at the scene to divert wave after wave of politicians. There’s more coming.”
A reserved mound of sand and a shovel was left out for dignitaries and elected leaders to fill sandbags to convince them that they’re making a difference while not taking away precious time and resources from real first responders.
“Inside our fake Emergency Operations Center, a mayor, premier or prime minister can make any order they imagine regardless of their knowledge or sobriety,” said a government official posing Incident Commander inside a half-collapsed tent. “We want our leaders to feel good about themselves when they bark out orders, but absolutely everything in here is fake.
“For example, this ‘disaster area map’ is just a children’s play car rug with a few checkers pieces on it, void of any context.”
At press time, volunteers posing as journalists asked visiting leaders softball questions instead of more poignant ones about cuts flood prevention or climate change.