Cool! Cheesecake Factory now has a new menu for each stage of grief! - The Beaverton
https://www.eatthis.com/what-10-diet-experts-order-cheesecake-factory/

Cool! Cheesecake Factory now has a new menu for each stage of grief!

As if didn’t already have something delicious for everyone, from pizza to burgers to amazing desserts, they’ve just unveiled 5 delicious new menus inspired by each of Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s multi-stage model for acceptance of profound loss! So whether you’re you’re mourning a relationship, a job or even just an opportunity to be happy, the has you covered from denial to acceptance!

Menu 1: Denial

Just beginning to realize that your ex really isn’t going to call you back? Well have a look at these delicious creations that are sure to keep your tummy full and your mind in the space it was before you got that terrible news!

So go ahead, try out a delicious double-decker grilled cheese sandwich–big enough to take some home to David once he comes back. Or, a lighter tomato and basil salad, to make sure you can fit into the wedding dress you’ll definitely be dancing with him in one day ☺

Menu 2: Anger

Fired from a job you loved and can’t understand why? We’ve all been there. Fortunately, Factory gets where you’re coming from. Factory gets that motherfucker Pam probably already has your job. And that Pam probably just goddamn loves truffle oil fries. Well too bad, Pam, these truffle oil fries are all yours.

Truffle oil fries are just the beginning—you can get a burger now that we don’t have to pretend to your stupid vegan boss that you’re reading The Omnivore’s Dilemma anymore. Fucking great.

How about a big slice of blueberry cheesecake? Bet Pam would love that. Fuck you Pam. (And thank you Cheesecake Factory!)

Menu 3: Bargaining

Okay—your mom has called to tell you that she’s selling your beloved childhood home. But tell you what, Cheesecake Factory has this all figured out. All you have to do is perfectly recreate a happy memory from that house for your mom, and suddenly she’ll realize she doesn’t want to sell!

Remember back to your 10th birthday dinner. What did you ask for? Your mom’s frito-crusted chicken? With Betty Crocker chocolate cake for dessert and a Caesar salad your neighbour, Mrs. Morgan, brought over before she passed away?

Is there any restaurant that could carry each and every one of these exact items? Yes! (All in one dish if you want!) Problem solved. Once your mom takes a bite, she’s sure to forget all about her plan to get rid of the house.

And with the Cheesecake Factory’s bargaining menu, the price is the one thing you know you won’t have to bargain over.

Menu 4: Depression

Let me ask you something, you ever actually really tasted a cheeseburger eggroll? Well you haven’t until you’ve dipped it into the leftover whip cream from a black tie mousse cake you ordered with it just because deep down you wanted the server to ask if you were okay. The Cheesecake factory’s revolutionary menu does not matter, because nothing matters.

(JK–It’s the best!)

Menu 5: Acceptance

You know what, life can be hard. Sometimes it throws things at you you aren’t ready for. And it hurts. But sometimes, the answer isn’t to eat so many avocado eggrolls you can’t think straight, or to smell a plate of fried chicken with ingredients so unlikely you wonder if it’s even real. The answer might be to sit down to a sensible southwestern-style eggwhite omelet with a salad on the side. This menu is about . And so is Cheesecake Factory!

Interested In Writing Satire Like This? Check Out A Beaverton Workshop