“I’ve never felt so violated in my entire life,” said mother of four and frequent user of the site, Heidi Schmacall. “I honestly wished they had hacked my banking info instead.”
The breach has revealed that other users also share Schmacall’s strong sentiments of anxiety, fear, and worry, as evidenced by the Nine of Swords card displayed prominently on all their profiles.
“If this hack hadn’t occurred, I wouldn’t have had to explain to my loved ones why I need a reading done prior to making any and all decisions,” bemoaned retired secretary Anna Robignoff. “Now everyone will know that the Hanged Man is guiding my professional choices.”
“A women in 2019 should be afforded the privacy to inquire as many times a day as she likes as to when she’ll find love, goddamnit!” added undergrad student India Smith.
“Though the Wheel of Fortune card we pulled may be reversed as of this present moment,” began CEO and lone psychic to the site, Absinthe Starhew, when approached for a statement. “I believe that if all the lost souls who frequent our digital divinity space, simply trust the universal process, we should be okay.”
When pressed about what the ‘universal process’ entails, Starhew confirmed that it absolutely required the continuation of her member’s monthly $17.99 subscription fee.
Security experts advise that users change their passwords to protect their accounts moving forward, from their sun sign to their rising sign.