BY: Simon Bradshaw
I’ve turned a blind eye at premarital sex, friends with benefits, and open relationships, but there comes a point when these new fads cross a boundary. I may be an old fogey, but sex with no strings attached is killing my marionette fetish.
I’ll admit it: I’m a traditional guy and I prefer traditional things, like sexually fantasizing about puppets with hinged limbs controlled from above by wires. I get that people are reinventing sex and dating, but do they have to flaunt their no-strings-attached approach?
Millennials are free to do things their own way, but they could learn a lot from how things used to be: just one man and one woman, committed to each other and to tying lengths of cord around one another’s wrists and ankles for an evening of Thunderbirds roleplay. Gone are the traditions of opening the door for your date, asking a father’s permission before you propose, and hanging naked from the ceiling while a third party puppeteers your bodies for the entertainment of a watching crowd. Now it’s Tinder, avocados, and casual, stringless sex.
Just last week my date came home with me only to swiftly change her mind when she saw me rig up my system of pulleys and counterweights on the ceiling. I even told her I wasn’t into the Punch and Judy stuff, but she was too stuck up to even wear the mask with the cold, dead-eyed stare. She left, and I spent the evening watching my DVDs of Double-Team America and Howdy Booty.
I’m resigned to being an old timer, but I like to think I’m not closed off to all the new sexcapades! The internet has a way of connecting even the traditionalists like myself, and this old dog is learning some new tricks. Next week I’m attending an adults-only party to finally try BDSM: Big Dick Sex Marionettes.