STEINBACH, MB – After posting a sexually alluring photo to his Instagram account in hopes of gaining the attention of his peers, 24 year old Peter Goertzen was disappointed to discover that the only people who had liked it were all blood relatives.
“Might delete this later, but can’t wait to hit the shower after a long workout [tongue-sticking out winking emoji]” read the caption on Goertzen’s photo, which was mirror selfie in which Goertzen appeared shirtless, with one thumb crooked in the waistband of his gym shorts, slightly tugging them down while he bit his lower lip.
“So glad you’re staying healthy! Love, Mom,” read the top comment on the heavily filtered and touched up post. The post was also liked by three of Goertzen’s aunts, his niece, his great-uncle and cousin Daryl.
Despite using no less than fifteen different hashtags, including #hotdude, #gymlife, #gymlyfe and #insta, Goertzen’s post failed to attract the attention of anybody outside of his family circle.
“are [sic] you coming to marianne’s on the 18th?” read another comment, posted by Goertzen’s father. “she hasn’t seen you since lloyd’s funeral. dad.” Another comment further down from Goertzen’s teenage cousin Mallory simply read “lol.”
Before Goertzen could be reached for comment, he had already indicated on all of his social media platforms in multi-paragraph long posts that he would be deleting his accounts imminently and that nothing anybody could say would convince him otherwise, prompting his uncle to respond that “they’re spying on us with these things anyway, so good for you for doing the right thing!”
As of press time, none of Goertzen’s accounts have been deactivated.