LOS ANGELES — A recent study has proven that television specifically written for the teenage demographic is exclusively being consumed by people in their thirties.
“At first we were flattered,” explained CW Executive Cydney Pentergrass. “We thought our teen television shows like The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina and The 100 were equally engaging for teens and adults alike. But after taking a look at the statistics, I’m realizing teens don’t even watch TV. And the 30-year-old demographic that does watch tv has the emotional maturity of 16-year-olds. Yikes.”
This recent study has proven that teens indeed do not enjoy narrative television shows, but would much rather watch a guy unbox and eat an army meal that was made during the Korean War. On the other hand, the 30-year-old demographic devours the simplistic storylines and “sexy little teen actors” of shows clearly meant for people 15 years their junior.
“I can’t get enough,” says 31 year old avid Riverdale fan, Jess Tripoli. “I get that it’s technically for teens, but this is the perfect escapist TV. As an emotionally-detached man in my early thirties, I need to escape my everyday shit life. Paying rent sucks, but watching Archie in a prison gang fight makes it all a little easier.”
The study shed light on how older viewers enjoy the shows because it takes them back to a simpler time; namely when they were teenagers watching shitty teen shows. researchers concur that this proves “30 is the new 16”, and concurrently that “16 the new fetus”.
Regardless of who is watching the show, Pentergrass is thrilled by the study. “Views are views”, she continues. “Is it alarming that my 36-year-old fiancé sincerely idolizes Jughead Jones? Yes. However, does that work for our sex life? Yes!”
In attempts for the CW to engage actual teenage viewership, they have recently greenlit “a guy talking while playing a video game”.