Editorial: I hate cannabis but I love dangerous speculative investing. What am I to do? - The Beaverton
https://pixabay.com/en/man-male-adult-person-caucasian-1209494/

Editorial: I hate cannabis but I love dangerous speculative investing. What am I to do?

I despise . While the rest of Canada has decided to succumb to reefer madness, I still hold true to what I was taught in my health lessons at school and numerous all-star cartoon specials: that is evil and even one puff will ruin your life forever. But I am torn because I also love wild, speculative investment. I own numerous cryptocurrencies, hundreds of beanie babies and 10% of MySpace.

What am I to do?

Usually I love to dive headlong into whatever investment is being advertised at seminars in Marriott ballrooms at 2pm on a Tuesday. The hard thing is that if I was to invest in the “can’t miss” and “once in a lifetime” investment opportunities cannabis legalization offers, then I would look pretty silly for all those times I called the police on my university classmates for smoking weed in the dorms (I’m still prevented by court order from calling 911).

I learned two things in business school: invest in every new cryptocurrency, and invest in everything Dennis Rodman endorses. But then I found out Rodman was shilling for PotCoin. Dennis Rodman doing drugs! Everything I thought I knew about the world has been wrong.

It breaks my heart when I see Elon Musk, who has dedicated his life to such honourable pursuits as illegal market manipulation and inheriting an apartheid fortune, debasing himself by smoking marijuana. He doesn’t need cannabis when he has the greatest high there is: dangerously overvaluing his companies by making false promises about non-existent products.

I must admit that I did spend invest 30 million dollars from my dad’s venture capital firm when I found out that former Toronto Police chief Julian Fantino and Dragon Den dragon Brett Wilson had started a firm to develop technology that would make marijuana plants smell like expensive cologne. I can assure you, that investment was made because of my respect for those two great men (and easy access to my father’s money), and certainly not because I softened my stance on mind-altering drugs that aren’t created with dangerous chemicals.

This whole situation is so stressful. If only there was something I could take that’s natural, safe, legal, non-addictive, relaxing, and would make me feel less anxious.

Want more satire in your life? Check out the Beaverton Podcast!