TORONTO: In the result of an upset victory, Torontonians woke Tuesday morning to a find surprising new member on City Council: one of the white squirrels from Trinity Bellwoods park.
“This was my first time voting, and I chose a candidate who is unique, admired, and will really make a difference,” said Jordan Brown, a Bellwoods resident and staunch supporter of the new councillor. “I mean, like, I don’t know exactly how he’s going to do that, but I don’t understand much about politics, so that’s probably on me.”
Pollsters are crediting the squirrel’s robust Instagram presence for his unexpected rise to political fame.
“We definitely saw an upsurge in first-time voters under 25,” said Tom Robbins, political consultant and the squirrel’s social media campaign manager. “When was the last time an adorable picture of Joe Cressy got 25,000 Likes?”
As might be expected, not every resident was happy with the ward’s results.
“Of course people picked the white squirrel,” said Tamara Miller, 20, after vowing to slackline only in High Park from now on. “They could have had one of the red, brown, or black squirrels that lived in the park pre-gentrification, but no, everyone just loves the Caucasian one.”
When asked what the squirrel will bring to the political table, mayor Tory seemed hesitant, but optimistic. “The squirrel has yet to present any real policies or communicate in any tangible way, but that’s nothing new here at City Hall.”
“At least he’s not a nazi.”
While efforts to speak with Toronto’s newest city councillor have resulted in bandaged fingers, reporters say this is something they’re already fairly used to from former councillor Mammoliti.