SASKATOON – After years of inexplicable failure, local man Peter Whitehall has yet to find a method of dragging sharp metal blades against his face that doesn’t irritate his skin.
“I don’t know why it’s so difficult,” said Whitehall. “You’d really think that there’d be a way of dragging the kinds of things we use to cut meat across my supple cheeks and bare throat in a way that doesn’t leave them red and raw.”
Whitehall went on to describe how his failure certainly isn’t for a lack of preparation, as he always makes sure to wet his face, open his pores, and apply lather before going at himself with the things that The Shredder’s costume are made of.
“Mostly, I’ve been toying with the number of sharp metal blades,” continued Whitehall. “I thought that three, maybe even four, sharp metal blades would be better. But then somebody tipped me off that just one really big sharp metal blade is best, and has the least chance of infection. It seemed so obvious when I heard it.”
“So yeah, now I’m using a safety sharp metal blade.”
Many others who have been on the same journey have been offering Whitehall their incredibly insightful tips, such as making sure the face knife is clean before you use it and being sure not press the beard sword too forcefully against your doughy head flesh.
“The most important thing is to never, never, use electric,” said one Carl Johansen. “You wouldn’t think it, but having hundreds of micro blades, spinning, screeching, burning into your skin, is the worst option.”
“Well… I guess if you’re in a rush or just contouring, then it’s fine.”
At press time, Whitehall’s partner was considering which horrific method of removing hair she should use on 95 percent of her body today; whether she should have them traumatically ripped from the roots, seared off with chemicals, or cascaded with heat beams.