Citywide diffuser malfunctions blanket Vancouver in endless sandalwood fog - The Beaverton
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Citywide diffuser malfunctions blanket Vancouver in endless sandalwood fog

– A cascading series of errors in ’s diffusors has resulted in a thick, seemingly permanent sandalwood fog settling over the city.

“The whole city smells like that bath store you can’t walk past without burning the inside of your sinuses,” Vancouverite Karen Hines said from behind her facemask. “I’m seriously considering moving to a city where there are fewer than ten diffusers per resident.”

“If there even is such a place,” she said, wistfully.

The murky yet fragrant conditions have caused chaos due to traffic accidents, people falling down open manhole covers, and an onslaught of vengeful pirate ghosts. But not everyone is displeased with the city’s new look and smell.

“I think it’s great,” local influencer Becky White said, posting another photo of her doing yoga amongst the swirling vapour to Instagram. “I’m saving a fortune on essential oils and I don’t have to worry about the city’s massive homelessness problem anymore because I can no longer see them.”

While the sandalwood itself is causing problems now, experts agree the city’s situation is set to become far more dire if the fog is not dealt with before legalization.

“Computer models indicate the massive influx of pot smoke expected on October 17th will combine with the sandalwood fog to create a woodsy, inebriating mist,” Professor Susan Christie explained. “It’ll be unlike anything anyone’s ever seen. The s’mores cravings alone will be enough to cripple the city.”

At press time, the city council was considering bringing in the Royal Canadian because the council is under the mistaken impression that the are experts in using force against air.

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