BREAKING: Baby not done pooping - The Beaverton
https://www.pexels.com/photo/baby-in-white-onesie-789786/

BREAKING: Baby not done pooping

– Local couple, Doug and Sandra Tisdale, uncovered a horrifying development during a recent diaper change of their daughter Lana when they learned that Lana was shockingly still in the midst of pooping.

“I guess we’ve been very fortunate in the past to have only changed Lana once her bowel movement was finished,” said Sandra Tisdale through tears, “Imagine our horror last night when we realized that though her diaper was off, she was far from finished.”

Tisdale’s husband Doug added, “There was no warning. The didn’t even do the usual thing, where she locks eye contact with you and grabs your shirt collar.”

CCTV footage taken from the couple’s nanny-cam shows the evolution of the incident as Doug and Sandra commence changing Lana under the innocent belief that the entirety of her leavings were contained within her Pampers All-Dry. At time signature 22:09:09, Doug is seen to turn to Sandra and mouth the inquiry, “Did you hear that?” What happens next is unclear, but sources indicate that in excess of 400 wet wipes, 26 sheets of paper towels, two actual towels, three baby onesies, and Sandra’s JC Penney Dyna-Sheer Blouse were destroyed in the carnage. Perversely, Lana can be viewed laughing maniacally throughout the chaos.

“It just all happened so fast,” muttered Doug, “You just think you’re safe in your own home and then your entire world gets upended by a monster you thought you could trust.”

“So…….fast,” he continued.

Studies showed that mean duration for Lana in the past has been a consistent 25-75 seconds with, at most four volleys of release in that span. With the Tisdales commencing the change two minutes following the final audible emission, it is difficult to fault them for believing that they were in the clear. Experts note that, given the timing of the diaper removal, the only realistic risk was some fecal escape up the back. Many are calling it a true freak accident.

“Watch the warning signs, that’s all I can say,” Sandra stated from outside of Lana’s bedroom door now covered in caution tape, “if you hear a gurgle or bubbling, no matter how finished you think your baby is, stand back and brace yourself.”

At press time, the baby is pooping again.

Want more satire in your life? Check out the Beaverton Podcast!