OTTAWA – A recent national study found that 60% of Canadian students will be sucked into a dusty arcade machine and forced to desperately fight for their lives in an alternate video game dimension.
“That has to be the most traumatic event in my life, thinking I was never going to see my family ever again,” sobbed video game survivor Alec Rogan. “I should never have played that video game Jumanji, or the board game of the same name several years earlier.”
Researchers had expected the percentage of children trapped in arcade games to be lower, corresponding with the decline of arcades over the last several decades. Tragically, it was later discovered that abandoned arcades are even more likely to trap children in their games. Researchers found no evidence of people being sucked into the popular multiplayer shooter Fortnite. “Not yet anyway,” reported lead researcher Pete Griggs.
Some of the victims report having trouble dealing with the trauma they suffered while inside the game. “Do you know how hard it is to go back to math class after riding a laser bike and making out with an android,” stated Pickering resident Jenny Downs, who spent 6 months inside a Tron cabinet. “Now I just spend all day feeding quarters into machines, hoping to go back.”
There have been several initiatives to end the video game related disappearance of children, however they were all cut for budgetary reasons. For instance, a 2013 initiative by the Wynne government was terminated so the funds could be used to create a hacky sack stadium for the 2015 Pan Am games.
“Unfortunately there is no way of knowing the difference between a perfectly normal arcade game that is good clean fun for the whole family, and a dangerous machine that sucks children into another reality,” stated arcade owner Caitlin Wu. “But my arcade is definitely safe. We just had that one kid eaten by the Pac Man ghosts that one time.”
While most interviewed parents feared for their trapped children, others viewed living inside a game as a character building experience. Many were eager to see the adults their children had become after being gone for 20 years.
If your child has been sucked into an arcade machine, authorities advise that you gaze sadly out of a window and softly mutter, “I hope you’re safe.”