By: Stan Hendricks
For those of you Lib-tards who worried that Doug Ford lacked a clear platform to improve the lives of ordinary Ontarians, I present to you Exhibit “A” in the trial of Elites v. Folks: the brilliant Buck-a-Beer program – coming soon to a province near you. And I can only speak for myself, but I’m positive that this is just the thing to turn my life around in a big, big way.
No question, I’ve got issues. I’m unemployed, behind on my rent, and this rash just isn’t going away. Plus, the elimination of the sex-ed curriculum means I’m woefully prepared for when my 13 year old son realizes he’s gay. But hey, cheap beer!
Now that I’ll pay 25 cents less for garbage beer, I can do anything! Drinking more for less money is a winning combination and improves everyone’s life. Sure my wife is leaving me and suing for custody of the kids. And sure this lump on my back is growing at an alarming rate. And sure my emerging alcoholism is threatening to alienate me from friends and family. But none of that is something sucking down 12 Molsons in one sitting for $12 can’t fix.
Doug Ford is the guy who realized that the one thing everyone needed was more access to beer. None of that frou-frou wine that I’m sure those Wynne-lovers have with their caviar and lobster steaks while they tried to raise the ODSP payments I depend on. REAL Ontarians like beer. Beer and voting against their own interests.
Now, my lefty neighbour made some crack about something called “bread and circuses” when he heard about Buck-a-Beer. But what’s wrong with that?! Bread is delicious and circuses are fun! And beer is both those things. Seems like a little bread and circuses is EXACTLY what Ontario needs more of.
Oh yes, this is precisely what the doctor ordered. Soon I’ll be living the high life, just as Dougie promised. All the problems caused by my own personal failings and a system dangerously weighted against members of the lower class will simply melt away. All my issues, lost in time. Like tears in rain. Time to buy!