“The fucking balls on Steve eh,” whispered groomsman Alex Denaud as they waited for Marchand and his mom to walk up the aisle together.
“Some fucking cajones man,” replied the Priest about to perform the service.
Marchand and Braxton began to exchange vows, apparently unaware that all 150 guests in attendance could be at the cottage right now.
“It was a beautiful service man,” said friend Dan Benson to Marchand at the reception later, resisting the urge to smack a beer bottle over his head. “I’m so happy you invited me.”
Marchand and Braxton shared their first dance to City and Colour’s ‘The Girl’ while willfully ignoring the loathing in the eyes of their closest friends and family. They then cut the cake while pretending everyone didn’t hate them, and gave a speech thanking everyone for coming without even acknowledging that this shouldn’t be happening today.
“I tried really hard to leave a nice message in the guest book instead of what I wanted to say, which is just: why? Fucking why? Why did you do this to us?” said sister of the groom Lisa.
At press time the entire wedding continued to grumble under their breath as if they hadn’t just been given a three course meal and unlimited free drinks. Plus it was the only day the venue was available for fuck’s sake.