OTTAWA, ON – As summer quickly descends upon us, prompting the need for crop tops and breathable fabrics, the nation’s retail sales associates have banded together to make sure you know that whatever you’re trying on, it looks SO GOOD on you!
“It looks great, hun,” says sales associate, Melanie Plif without looking up from the monotonous task of folding and unfolding graphic tees. “I honestly can’t believe how incredible you look. You’re radiating so intensely that I can’t even look directly at you.”
“I put on this artisanal burlap wrap-dress and I thought I looked like a lumpy potato sack until a salesperson told me I looked like I just stepped off a Fashion Week runway!” explains one customer, shifting uncomfortably from underneath the trendy, scratchy fabric.
“We train our sales associates to have an eye for style,” explains Michael Leland, owner and operator of local boutique clothing store, Summer Teen!, “But it’s not as important to understand style as it is to say literally anything to get someone to buy an outfit. You’d look transcendent in blue, by the way.”
“When it comes to commission, honesty is not the best policy,” explains one anonymous insider from Summer Teen! “Do you think they pay me enough to do the emotional labour to tell you what I really think about your wide-legged pants and loose-knit bolero? You look… incredible.”
“Personally, I never buy anything unless a sales associate has given it their stamp of approval,” explains fashion connoisseur, Amanda Nelson, modelling a fur vest for a dead-eyed store employee who says, “Great pants.”
At press time, the nation’s sales associates wanted you to remember to mention their name at the cash register so they can get their commission.