BARRIE, ONTARIO – Replacing 2017’s ‘Pegging,’ studies say that the most requested sex act in North America for straight men is now telling them that they’re ‘one of the good ones.’
“Nothing gets my boyfriend off more than telling him he’s more woke than James Franco,” says Jackie Napier, 27, whose boyfriend Greg regularly follows women he doesn’t know on instagram. “Before we do it, sometimes i’ll put my ‘God is a Woman’ shirt on, slide on the pussy cap and just feel the words spray over me,” said Greg, cutting off Jackie.
“He’s putting in so much work everyday to make sure that he’s one of the good ones, which of course means suppressing all the things that he’s been told since he was a child about what he’s owed in life.”
By assuring them that they’re an ally, it appears men can finally have an erection they can be proud of. “It’s so dirty knowing that I’m respecting a fellow human and not treating them like they’re only there for my sexual pleasure.” Greg said in a hushed whisper once Jackie was out of the room. “Seeing [Jackie] as an equal, having her tell me that I’m a better man than Garrison Keillor, it makes me cum buckets.”
It seems the current climate has made this sex act more accessible for the common man. “At this point the bar is so low, many men can really get off on it,” says Dr. Susan Clarke who teaches a sexuality workshop in Toronto. “The mediocre of the mediocre: Bay Street Types , DJs, Improv Teachers – if they think they can get away with it, they’ll ask multiple times a day.”
“‘I am an ally?’ has replaced ‘U Up?’ as the text most women get at 2 AM,” says Dr. Clarke. “It’s not necessarily something I enjoy doing. We’re just looking for someone who is innately and effortlessly not a monster.”