Rachel Notley eats raw bitumen to show the world it's safe - The Beaverton
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Rachel Notley eats raw bitumen to show the world it’s safe

EDMONTON – Fresh off the nationalization announcement, a confident Alberta Premier has reassured the world that undiluted bitumen is completely safe by eating some of it.

“There are many concerned citizens who believe this fine and useful product may cause a horrific oil spill,” said behind a full serving of oily earth served on a plate. “Environmentalists say that this is the dirtiest oil in the world, but today I will demonstrate that not only is unprocessed bitumen is fine, it’s also healthy and contains many important vitamins and essential heavy metals.”

Reporters gathered around the podium leaned in as the NDP leader took the first bite.

“How could such a delicious and nutritious product be such a hazard?” rhetorically mumbled Notley with her mouth full of thick, black tar.

The Premier tried to wipe away the tar smear around her face while claiming that she felt stronger knowing that she’s consuming Alberta’s number one export.

“[Alberta’s oilsands] are in the national interest just like the Trans Mountain pipeline,” Notley said swaying and slurring her speech as she downed yet another mouthful. “It’s also 100% natural and fully organic so I don’t know why [BC Premier] John Horgan and his hippies haven’t tried this yet.”

Notley says that she’ll continue to fight for the pipeline’s immediate construction right after she released from hospital.

According to sources, the Alberta government is planning on revising Health Canada’s Food Guide to include at least one serving of oilsands per day.