Etobicoke, ON – Aaron Harris, who will die in a waiting room of a myocardial infarction in three years, has announced to his family that he plans on voting for Doug Ford and his policy of across-the-board cost-cutting.
“Wynne is such a crook,” said the 48 year-old, who will choke out his last breaths under the fluorescent lights of an overcrowded triage room when no spare defibrillator can be found. “We need someone who’s going to find efficiencies in all sectors.”
Harris, whose growing arterial blockage will go unnoticed thanks to massive nurse and doctor layoffs in 2019, says that Ontario needs to cut back on rampant spending, 40% of which goes to healthcare, or the province is going to go “even farther down the tubes”.
“My tax dollars should be going to something more important than other people’s health,” said Harris, who would have gotten to the hospital faster if Ford hadn’t sold off a third of the province’s ambulances. “How much should it really cost to coordinate, distribute, and evaluate healthcare for 13.5 million people?”
“You know what the best way is to stay healthy? Personal responsibility,” added the man who mocks people who eat salad.
At press time, sources from 2021 confirmed that Harris’s daughter would have been able to save him if Ontario hadn’t cut funding for public medical schools as well.