SILICON VALLEY – Taking a break from helping the Russian government tamper with American elections, Facebook has pivoted into the dating sphere, utilizing their infamous data collection to facilitate romance.
The new date-matching service promises to outperform popular apps such as Tinder by carefully analyzing the idealized self-portrait that users present and matching them with similar phonies.
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg explained in a press conference that the new dating algorithm will tirelessly comb through millions of statuses that only report new jobs, vacations, and a careful selection of photos taken from a high angle, to locate a perfect match.
“Whether you’re an oversharer, a lurker, a troll, or even a Russian bot, we have a match for you,” said Zuckerberg. “I promise, if your soulmate – based on the best part of themselves they choose to share online – is out there, we’ll find it.”
Head engineer Jason Brock admits that the testing phase has seen its share of hiccups. “We recently matched a couple at 100% based on their online activity, but they attempted to murder each other on the first date,” said Brock. “It was almost as if they held back their serious flaws and personality issues or something.”
Despite these setbacks, Zuckerberg is confident that one day Facebook users will enjoy relationships as misleadingly positive as their online presence. “We can’t promise you a fulfilling, meaningful, or even healthy relationship,” he concluded. “But you will find someone you can take pictures with to make your single friends jealous. And that’s what really counts.”
“Future versions of the app will include a premium tier, which removes the hassle of actually going on a date. Added Zuckerberg, “You can simply match, then set your status to ‘in a relationship,’ and soak up those likes.”
When asked if Google has similar plans to mine users data to find romantic matches, CEO Darren Filo was pessimistic: “After years of collecting private search data, we’ve seen what people are truly doing on the internet. And we are convinced that none of you deserve love.”