Hey single men out there, we all know how hard it is to maintain that soft, perfect dad bod shape, the one that makes the ladies say, “Oh yeah, he’s definitely good father material.” We’ve all done it. Winter comes, and you couldn’t help but get lazy and revert back to your ripped, muscular state, with unsightly chiseled abs, disproportionate, glistening pecs and lumpy thick biceps. Now that the summer beach season is upon us, here are some hot tips to reclaim your perfect chubby, hairy, paternal physique!
1. Start the morning with severe lack of sleep
Dads, especially new dads that share the burdens and responsibilities of child rearing, keep their sleep routines in check by maybe getting a couple hours here or there. Being single, it’s all too easy to continue sleeping for a full 6 or 7 hours a night, when your body detoxifies and builds those nasty muscle tissues! Our tip, set an extremely loud alarm to go off at odd hours of the night, and put it far away from your bed so you are forced to get up to stop it. Imagine being so tired from waking up several times a night, that all your self restraint as been eroded and finishing the leftovers and hot dog condiments, soggy half eaten cookies like a real dad. Keep this up and you’ll find that you’re putting on that precious weight in no time.
2. Replace crunches with Crispy Crunches
You are allowed one stomach crunch all day, and that’s to get up. But like most guys, you’re probably doing crunches at work, or during your daily commute to work. The itch to crunch can be overwhelming, which is why a replacement therapy of Crispy Crunch candy bars will not only stave off the urge, but also help to melt away those rock hard abs that would otherwise have all the ladies on the beach grossed out and questioning your ability to be a dedicated father. We recommend starting with one bar per crunch you would normally do in a day, so for most men, that’s 250 bars, for a total of 60,000 calories.
3. Beer, Beer, and more Beer
It sounds basic, but if you want to get that stellar beer belly, there’s only one thing that will do it for you: Beer. Although, most men hate beer, reviled by its oaty flavour and displeasing effervescence, many who have mastered the beer habit will attest that you will be rewarded with a swol midsection, easily adding pounds of extra fat with the empty calories contained in alcohol. However, it does have side effects, beer is also known to make some men more confident, leading some who value their ability to maintain a demure masculine composure to avoid it.
4. Less squats, more doing squat
You feel like you’ve tried everything to get the perfect dadbod, but have you tried doing nothing? That’s right, science has shown that it’s actually the lack of doing anything that give fathers that iconic look. Think about your own father, and how he would spend the majority of his life just sitting there. Well, one day, all of that can be yours.Follow in his footsteps and, maybe, just maybe, you’ll finally make him proud.
5. Stop waxing every inch of your body
The one thing we haven’t discussed is manscaping, or lack thereof. No one said this would be easy, and you’ll have to make some sacrifices. Obtaining this look requires that you forego your weekly trip to the salon to get everything from your chest, shoulders, armpits, belly, legs, neck, and asshole waxed.