BREAKING: Roseanne hired as White House press secretary - The Beaverton
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BREAKING: Roseanne hired as White House press secretary

WASHINGTON D.C. — After her rebooted sitcom was cancelled by ABC following the star’s racist tweets, actress Roseanne Barr has been hired as press secretary for the Trump White House.

The tweets, which referred to former Obama administration adviser Valerie Jarrett as a combination of the “muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes” were enough for ABC to cancel the popular sitcom within hours. However, they were well-received by Trump officials.

“Tweeting out barely-veiled racism isn’t a negative in the Trump White House. It’s practically a prerequisite,” said senior policy advisor Stephen Miller. “With her blend of fake populism and unhinged conspiracy-mongering, Roseanne is going to fit right in here.”

Roseanne will take over for former press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who despite being fired is reportedly amazed to have lasted as long as she did. “Suck it, Spicer,” Huckabee Sanders shouted, as she handed her podium over to the former TV star.

Despite the upheaval, Barr has expressed excitement for her new Washington role. “I’m just excited to get behind that podium and tell Americans the real truth, namely how President Trump is saving them from globalist bankers, secret pedophiles conspiracies, and other dangerous minorities.”

“And by ‘globalist’ I of course mean ‘Jewish’,” the famous comedian added, before launching into her trademark cackle.

At press time Sara Gilbert, Laurie Metcalf, and John Goodman were pitching a spin-off of the series to Hulu that picks up after the character Roseanne chokes to death on a burrito.

With files from Ian MacIntyre and Aaron Hagey-MacKay
Image via Deposit Photos
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