WASHINGTON D.C. – In a bid to put an end to the longstanding epidemic of random fires breaking out across the nation, President Trump has put forward a bold plan to combat them by arming firefighters with fire.
“This is really a brilliant, brilliant idea,” said the President from his Mar-a-Lago hideaway. “We’ve all seen how destructive fires can be on the lives of those affected by them and so obviously the most effective way to deal with them is by fighting them with more fire.”
Experts agree that requiring firefighters to carry fire with them at all times would really level the playing field when fighting fires, giving them all the same advantages that a fire already has. To help induce firefighters to agree to the plan, Trump has offered a bonus to any of them prepared to brandish fire while performing their duties.
“Wouldn’t you feel safer sleeping at night knowing that there are thousands of people walking around carrying flamethrowers at all times, ready to aggressively spring into action and add fire to the flames in chaotic situations?” said Florida Governor Rick Scott. “Plus, since fire thinks rationally, it is far less likely to break out if it knows that other people have fire too.”
“Remember, if everyone has fire, we’ll all be safe from fire,” he added.
Private citizens have also gotten on board with the President’s plan, with torches, kerosene, and oily rag sales going through the roof at retailers across the country. However, some critics have been quick suggest that fires will now simply target firefighters first to gain access to their fire and make the whole situation worse. To this end, Republican leaders collectively advised: “Nah.”
“The reality is that fires are an inevitable part of life and there is simply no way to prevent them from happening,” the President proclaimed. “Sure, there are fire detectors, alarms, extinguishers, suppression systems, flame-retardant insulation, and we could potentially also remove flammable or combustible material from sensitive areas and outlaw the most destructive fire causing sources.”
“But that’s way too hard to do so let’s just throw as much fire at the problem until it goes away on its own”