North Battleford, SK – After an all-white jury returned a verdict of “not guilty”, despite expert and eyewitness testimony, the Canadian criminal justice system has been formally charged with accessory to murder.
“Indigenous jurors were dismissed for ‘potential bias’ leading to an all-white jury, not to mention the police treated the victim’s family like criminals. These things aren’t accidents,” said prosecutor Emmeline Harris. “It’s clear that this overarching legal structure was actively involved in protecting a killer.”
“But we finally caught the sick son of a bitch.”
The Colten Boushie murder is just one of many crimes the justice system has been implicated in, some stretching back centuries. From mandatory minimums for minor drug offenses to debtors’ prisons, even low estimates place the criminal justice system at the scene of at least sixty million violent acts against Canadians.
“When you take into account all the pain and suffering it’s caused, the criminal justice system is one of the worst offenders in our history,” said Harris. “Right behind General Cornwallis, and the Department of Indigenous Affairs.”
However, legal experts are warning against any premature celebrations since the criminal justice system will probably just find itself “not guilty”.