CORNWALL, ON – Local citizen Karen Baker reports that the jar of tomato relish Tammy Hopper gave her at the end of a dinner party last night is the perfect reminder to throw out the jar of tomato relish Tammy gave her last year.
Karen and Tammy were partaking in a time honoured end of year ritual when friends and relatives turn their autumn harvest of excess garden vegetables into a curious array of relishes, jams, and pickles that you have no idea what to do with and inevitably forget about.
“I can confirm that Tammy’s relish from last year had migrated to the back of my fridge,” said Karen. “It was right next to a jar of peach ketchup from my Aunt Mabel, and zucchini jam from… somebody. I can’t remember. It must have been years ago. Seriously, what would anyone eat with zucchini jam? Is it even edible?”
Anthropologists speculate that this preserve swapping ritual is a symbolic gesture that harkens back to a simpler time when people had no choice but to eat pickled celery and chili fig jam during the cold winter months. “I guess Tammy thinks I live some time in the late 19th century before refrigeration,” commented Karen as she dropped the jar into a garbage bag.
“Once people created supermarkets and takeout food, there was no need to eat a rancid jar of preserved cauliflower huddled by the fire in darkest January,” said Dr. Jacob Sputz of Queen’s University. “So remember: this is purely symbolic. Please God, don’t actually try to eat any of this stuff!”
At press time, Karen also confirmed that she was busy pouring five bottles of Uncle Bert’s homemade pear wine down her toilet.
