VATICAN CITY- Officially recognized by the Catholic church as of this morning; the sale, consumption, or creation of any Taco Bell products will now be considered a mortal sin on par with murder and adultery as announced by Pope Francis from his Vatican residency.
“Do not be drawn in by the false promises of their innocent looking Nachos Bellgrande, their Meximelt or even their Chalupa Supreme,” said his Holiness with sweat still beading from his brow. “Even the Fiesta Taco Salad. And especially do not eat all of them at once!”
Vatican staff say the Argentinian born religious leader spent an embattled morning locked in the papal bathroom deep within a fervent vision state where he was “exposed to the fiery depths of what can only be described as a Satanic hellscape.” The Pope emerged hours later to proclaim the fast food chain’s connection to the underworld.
The papacy has even gone as far as stating that the ten commandments may be facing their first ever amendment, as those within the church discuss revising the third commandment of “Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain” to “Thou shalt stay away from Taco Bell,” which would of course carry the added benefit of absolving anyone who has ever shouted “Jesus Christ, what did I eat last night!?”
While some are questioning the Pope’s ability to make such a renunciation, others are quick to point out that Eve eating the forbidden fruit is what got humanity banished from Eden in the first place, and nowhere does it say in scripture that the forbidden fruit was not a Taco Bell Doritos Cheesy Gordita Crunch. So the sinful nature of food should always be taken seriously.
Today’s announcement is likely to overshadow another unique canon law made last week, when Pope Francis made Mario Kart a sin after reportedly losing 7 races in a row to former Pope Benedict XVI.