THE WHOLE WORLD – Citing factors such as Young Sheldon, GamerGate, and the fact that Star Wars gets crammed down our collective throats every goddamn Christmas now, society as a whole has announced that it is ready to start hating nerds again.
“For too long, society has given nerds a free pass,” said UN general secretary Antonio Guterres, “But after much deliberation, we’ve decided that our patience has run out. No longer will we be made to feel dumb by these little punks for not having heard of some X Man, or whatever.”
“They’re the ones who are dumb! Fuck those geeks!” he added, to the whooping cheers of the UN General Assembly.
“I’ve been wearing Star Trek junk and pretending to know about quantum computing just so dorkwads would think I was cool.” said Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. “Well, I’m not pretending anymore! Hey losers, quantum compute this!” The Prime Minister then chugged a beer as he removed a pair of Chewbacca socks and threw them out a nearby window.
Markets reacted swiftly to the news, with dorky companies such as Google and Ubisoft seeing their stocks tumble, while cool companies like Vans and Captain Morgan skyrocketed. Warner Bros announced that they have cancelled all DC movies in production and begun planning a cinematic universe based around cool old cars and Marshall stacks.
Public reaction to this news was overwhelmingly positive, leaving many wondering why we collectively stopped hating nerds in the first place.
“For some reason I thought being awkward and ‘bad at talking to girls’ was somehow endearing. But being a weird asshole that women don’t trust isn’t ‘quirky’, it just makes you a creep.” said bricklayer Ben Goodworth. “I thought they were supposed to be good at science, but is that even true anymore? Seems like they put all their energy into anger toward a female Dr. Who.”
“While we’re at it, fuck Doctor Who!” he added. “Man or woman, that shit sucks.”
“We’ve all been way too soft on nerds,” echoed hairdresser Debbie Robinson. “I feel like everywhere I look, some dweeb is getting fired from a movie blog for groping someone, or a Youtube gamer is being racist. How are these things even jobs in the first place? Glad those days are finally coming to an end.”
Some praised the move as a step in the right direction, but urged society to go even further and issue a formal apology to jocks.
“For years, the narrative has been that nerds are smart and misunderstood, while jocks are dumb bullies.” said gym teacher Don Seers, “But just this past month, athletes have risked their jobs to protest racial discrimination, while nerds protest what? Some McDonald’s sauce, from that stupid Rick and Morty cartoon they won’t shut up about. God, I wanna wedgie those guys!”
At press time, the Facebook comments on this post were full of bullshit from nerds who seriously need to get a life.