EDMONTON – After spending 45 years in a seemingly perfectly happy marriage, local husband Pierre Villeneuve has ghosted his wife Catherine.
“The trick to a good ghosting means laying down the groundwork: being there, saying ‘I love you’, having children,” reported Villeneuve as unpacked his collection of Tommy Bahama shirts. “Women eat that shit up! But after our 3,532nd date it was like, Pierre, buddy, you can’t keep leading her on like this, it’s time to rip off the ol’ band aid.”
While the couple appeared to have a healthy marriage, every moment they shared together was in fact part of a meticulous plan set by Villeneuve that would allow him to walk out and disappear completely.
“We had two kids, a joint bank account, and a mortgage, so the ghosting really came out of nowhere,” said Catherine, looking through the now suddenly half-empty bedroom closet. “Then again, I should’ve known better than to get emotionally invested in someone who promised to love and cherish me til death do us part. Live and learn, I guess!”
Since ghosting the mother of his two children and wife of 45 years, Pierre has been spotted at number of known singles bars around town.
“Hey, I might be 72 but I believe you’re only as old as you feel,” said Pierre. “If I remember to pick up my Lipitor from Cathy’s I could definitely fit another 10 to 15 year marriage under this belt.”
At press time Villeneuve was overheard bailing on lunch plans with his daughter because she was getting too “clingy.”