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I’ve kidnapped the Lay’s CEO’s family, and he still won’t bring back original BBQ

Editorial by Freddy Keene

Let me just start off by saying that I love Lay’s original potato . I was heartbroken when they changed to the Masterpiece recipe back in the early 00’s, and I’ve done everything I can to get them to change it back. I’ve written letters, made phone calls, and kidnapped the CEO’s wife and children in the dead of night.

But they STILL won’t give me the classic BBQ taste I want and that we all deserve.

You have to understand how good these chips were. The orange bag from the 90’s, remember? It was a perfect blend of sweet, spicy, and savoury, and in my mind it’s still part of the main Lay’s trifecta with Ketchup and Salt and Vinegar.

I may be keeping people locked in a basement against their will, but the real crime here is that kids today have to settle for this black bag oversweet bullshit.

But like I said, even sending pictures of the CEO’s family to the Lay’s board hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Instead, I’ve received only the hypocrisy I’d expect from the people who discontinued my precious chips while continuing to make “South Carolina BBQ.”

At first they wouldn’t even contact me back, but now when I talk to Mr. ‘loving husband and father of three’ on the phone all he can do is blubber about he “can’t just change production like that” and beg me to “please, please [not] hurt them.”

Can’t change production, huh? How about all those times they released limited runs of the orange bag as “Classic BBQ?” What, did you lose the recipe somewhere? Honestly, you go to trouble of getting in touch with somebody, and then duct taping their family to an old boiler, and they still lie to you.

And before anyone says to just get Humpty Dumpty BBQ because it’s basically the same taste, it’s a matter of principle (and it’s not the exact same taste). And before anyone says to let these poor people go, holding onto them is the only way I’ll get a helicopter out of here.

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