TORONTO – After a bomb threat was called into the Toronto Jewish Community Centre today, the alt-right has admitted that they view Jewish toddlers as the single largest threat to their physical safety.
“We had to call in these threats because we’re scared that Jewish children are going to beat us up,” said an anonymous spokesperson for the alt-right movement. “You see, we are tiny little weaklings who suck our thumbs all the time.”
The alt-right went on to explain that the prospect of having to fight a Jewish toddler face-to-face was one of many nightmares that made them wet the bed every single night. Other nightmares include Jewish grandparents enjoying a sauna, new Jewish mothers at spin class, and bubbies doing aquafit.
“It takes a certain kind of hero to anonymously threaten community centre,” said the spokesperson, audibly sniffling from fear. “Luckily, some of us are brave enough to fight back against beginner challah-making workshops.”
At press time, most of the Jewish children were just glad they got to skip out on Hebrew school early.