UNITED STATES – Despite the cryptic warning given by the one-eyed shopkeep, several months ago The United States used a monkey’s paw to wish for a proactive president, a wish they now regret making.
“The paw put an ironic twist on it,” said citizen Laura Jeffreys as the world began to collapse around her. “I guess we should have known, but I’m still mad about it.”
Frustrated by the incrementalist approach of Barack Obama, George W. Bush and other presidents, the now dying nation decided they wanted someone more dynamic. It was then that the mysterious “Curiositie Emporium” opened just down the road.
“We just didn’t want more of the same, you know?” explained Trump voter Eric Hoss. “So we walked right up to that creepy shopkeep and said ‘give us your most wishing-est monkey’s paw’. Maybe if that guy had explained the risks we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
However, store owner Mortimer S. Burlap says he bears no responsibility.
“I gave them the standard ‘be careful what you wish for’ speech and I did it in my most threatening and creepy voice,” said Burlap. “Not my fault they didn’t listen. Maybe they should have wished for a monkey paw instruction manual.”
“Of course, the paw would probably have a twist for that too. Hmmm…”
At press time, all of America had time-traveled back to 1776 after wishing for “none of this to have happened”.
