OTTAWA – Under fire for perceived laziness and seemingly random governance, MP Louis Billings has been forced to publicly defend his appointment as the head of the highest jazz regulatory body in Canada.
“Sometimes you just gotta let the laws be the laws, daddy-o,” said Billings. “Why tamper with something that’s already outtasight?”
Not all are buying Billings’ smooth rhetoric. Critics say the Minister is unfairly supporting his friends in the saxophone and piano community while ignoring the pleas of the double bass minority who have been lobbying the government for decades, trying to get a fifth string.
“That is simply untrue. The rhythm section is just asking for too much scratch,” said Billings. “I have always been committed to two things: fiscal responsibility, and layin’ down a hard cuttin’ mess for those chicks and chickadees to swing to. Can you dig it?”
The minister, who goes by many nicknames, including “Slim Dishwater Gritty”, “Dr. Rider B. Smooth”, and “The Swerve”, has even drawn the ire of his own party for his odd approach to bipartisanship.
“If you want to make sweet government music you gotta play the blue notes and the red notes together,” explained Billings, while improvising a riff based on amendments to the Canada Shipping Act. “Orange notes too, but there are a lot less of them since 2015.”
Political traditionalists have blasted Billings’ strategies as being wildly inconsistent but, observers admitted, there was something undeniably cool and dangerous about his style of leadership.
At press time, Billings had been removed from his position after a recently discovered birth certificate conclusively showed he had been born in Squaresville.
