D.C. – As America’s emboldened Neo-Nazis emerge from the shadows, many of its citizens are turning to familiar faces to save them, Hollywood actors.
“When it comes down to it, I’m not much a fighter so now that Nazis are a thing again I just really hope Brad Pitt has got my back,” said a worried Franklin Scplitz. “Think about it he’s been training for this for years. I bet he knows how to drive a for-real tank because of that movie Fury.”
Scplitz continued, “Have you seen Inglorious Bastards? Guy has killed like a thousand Nazis in movies, that’s gotta be at least good for being able to knock out ten or twenty overweight video-game addicts spray painting ugly swastikas on bridges.”
Across the country, citizens expressed hope that liberal Hollywood elites would save them from the rising tide of aggrieved racists. Josh Pritchard, who runs multiple blogs about podcasts, had one particular saviour in mind, “I guess a lot of these Neo-Nazi guys would call me a cuck but you know who isn’t a cuck? Jason Bourne baby. Matt Damon has fought pretend Nazis AND played a super-spy four times now, you don’t think he knows a thing or two about stopping brownshirts from taking over the world? I bet he could even do that cool move where you take apart a handgun and then put it back together.”
Rumors have also begun circulating that soon to be former Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter, who is both afraid of these new Nazis and a huge superhero fan, is attempting to convince actors Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner, Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Chris Hemsworth and Robert Downey Jr. to use their ultra fit physiques and martial arts training as a quick strike response team called in whenever a threat is too great for one actor to face on his or her own.
Representatives for the self-titled Alt-right were too busy delinting their fancy pea coats to respond.