Geneva, Switzerland – Following a clinical trial of an injectable male contraceptive, the male scientists and male test subjects involved have announced that they are the first human beings ever to discover that medical birth control can cause negative side effects.
“How could we we ever expect any person to take birth control if it made them feel this way,” said lead researcher Dr. Josepf Knüsel. He then listed side effects suffered by the male test subjects, which included depression, muscle pain, mood swings, weight gain, and changes in their libido. “The side effects these men experienced are unacceptable, and above all, completely unprecedented.”
“We will not rest until we make medicinal birth control side effect-free,” vowed Dr. Knüsel, before adding, “That is to say, ‘side effect-free for men’, which is a self-evident statement since men are the only ones to ever suffer negative side effects from birth control. Not even really sure why I brought it up.”
Upon learning that a small portion of male test subjects in the study were experiencing both physical and emotional discomfort, the all-male research team responded immediately. However, many test subjects are still feeling the effects, with the injections staying in their systems for an utterly inhumane 3 to 6 months.
One such subject, Gunther Borel, 29, is left aghast after suffering several negative side effects of male birth control. With symptoms ranging from headaches to spontaneously crying during a Gilmore Girls marathon, Borel was unprepared for the worst side effect. “I barely even wanted to have sex with my girlfriend – which is the only reason to take birth control in the first place!”
“The cruel irony was just too much to bear,” sobbed a disillusioned Borel.
Asked if he would prefer to use condoms, rather than continue to take the injectable male birth control, Borel complained of a headache and concluded the interview.
In a related story, manufacturers of female birth control have announced that they will be doubling the included dosage of hormones, “just to be on the safe side.”