“Sure, its skin is, uh, pretty liquified,” said Reg Baker, who works in public relations for Enbridge. “But let’s not forget that nature gave us the umbrella bird, so sometimes wacky stuff just happens.”
Although some sixty percent of the moose by volume (eighty percent by mass) seems to be tumour, experts have encouraged the public not to jump to conclusions.
“Sure, instances of Moose Tumouritis have increased roughly a thousand percent since 2000,” said oil sands doctor Clay Phillips. “But let’s be clear, correlation does not equal causation.”
“Massive, overwhelming, seeping correlation.”
Although the moose’s tumours have been shown to contain flammable bitumen, the Ministry of Natural Resources says that this still does not prove there is some sort of ‘ecological catastrophe’ happening in Alberta.
“Before we ask ourselves if we know what caused this deformed moose, we have to ask ourselves, ‘what is knowledge?’” said Helena McCrae, an epistemologist working for the Ministry. “Heck, let’s take it back one step further and ask, ‘what is ‘is’?’”
Although the moose had mutated to the point where it could telepathically communicate that all this had happened to it after swimming in a tailing pond, oil sands lawyers denied that this was a possibility, since most tailing ponds are too choked with the un-decomposing bodies of migratory birds for anybody to swim in them.
With photo alterations by Jennifer Whyte