By: Patrick Brown, Leader of the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario
Ugh, Mondays right?
You wake up, pour yourself a nice cup of coffee, and sit down to write a tidy little missive promising to scrap your province’s sex-ed curriculum. Then, you sit back and wait for your constituents to rain kudos upon you like the very golden showers their children have no business learning about. But instead, they bend you over like a Dominatrix and give you one of those so-called “peggings” they want their kids being taught at school.
Garfield, I owe you an apology. You were right all along.
So fuck it, I give up. Clearly I don’t have my finger on the pulse of Ontarians, and obviously I can’t stand behind my own convictions, because full disclosure, I don’t have any. I just want enough of you to vote for me so that I can become premier, earn my $208K of taxpayer money, and live inside the turret of my choosing at Casa Loma. So from now on, I’m asking you – yes, YOU, the Ontario voter – to please just tell me what to think, and I’ll think it.
Okay? That’s simple enough, right?
You believe squirrel blood cures autism? Great, me too. You say the square root of one hundred is alligator? You, sir, are preaching to the choir. And what’s that? You think Drake should get to commit three secret murders per year? Joke’s on you, bud; he already does.
My point is, let’s take the guesswork out of public service once and for all. Because frankly, trying to figure out what you people want to hear gives me a big ‘ol ouchie. In the brain. And I need my brain for important stuff, like my fantasy pool. It’s above ground and shaped like a unicorn. Unless you think that’s lame, in which case, so do I.