OTTAWA – Speaking to a conference of finance industry power brokers, Finance Minister Bill Morneau announced that, after years of coordinated government planning and effort, Canadian wealth inequality is at its highest level ever.
A beaming Morneau celebrated the news, assuring the crowd that “this is absolutely the way Canada’s economy is designed to work.”
“The fact is that the bottom half of Canadians own only 6% of the country’s wealth,” Morneau outlined. “I promise you that by the year 2020 we will get this figure down to 4% where it belongs!” Morneau then unveiled a giant “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” banner, to resounding applause.
The industry group, comprised of heads of the Bank of Canada, the Canada Development Investment Corporation, and representatives from the International Monetary fund, gathered to hear how their decades-long effort to hoard Canadian wealth had been proceeding. The various billionaires in attendance seemed split over whether their success could be traced to negotiating free trade deals, undermining confidence in unions, or engineering the election of Justin Trudeau in order to lull the public into a false sense of security.
“Sure, there have been a few speed bumps along the way – universal healthcare, the canada pension plan spring to mind. But still, having successfully deluded Canadians into believing our economy is fair just because it’s slightly better than the U.S. is a huge accomplishment” explained longtime cabal member Cyril Sneer as he prepared to dive into a pool of gold coins.
Morneau also introduced his “longtime colleague and yachting buddy”, former Finance Minister Joe Oliver. The former Conservative minister was on hand to be honoured for his “tireless dedication to widening the gap between regular Canadians and their super-elite betters.” Oliver credited “decades of bipartisan cooperation” for the current level of wealth inequality, as well as the well-performed charade that Canada’s political parties differ in their opinions on the matter.
Unfortunately Prime Minister Justin Trudeau could not attend the event, as he was in Toronto celebrating another year in which the country’s social safety net weakened.