HAMILTON – Ubiquitous fast food franchise McDonald’s has added the new Vegan Quinoa Tempeh Salad to their list of “health conscious” food options, which studies now say is worse for you then being stabbed in the torso.
“We know it sounds like an exaggeration,” explained Dr Kurt Amsen, director of the study. “But we had one researcher eat the new Vegan Quinoa Tempeh Salad, and one researcher take a purposeful, well-placed stab to the body, with a pretty serious knife. And that researcher was in decidedly better health afterwards, particularly a few hours later if you get my meaning.”
“I’m just glad I didn’t have to eat that salad,” added Amsen, clutching his side.
The study specifically concluded that while being stabbed had quite acute effects on the body in the immediate moments after occurrence, once the blade was removed and the wound closed the ill-effects were basically over. By contrast, consumption of the salad lead to long-lasting effects including dizziness, tingling in the extremities, and the eternal shame of having eaten at McDonalds.
The doctor concluded that patrons of the restaurant shouldn’t be taken in by so-called “healthy” menu items: “Don’t kid yourself, if you’re eating McDonald’s, you’re eating McDonald’s. So if you want a Double Big Mac, just get that. If you want to get stabbed, because it’s on your bucket list or you’re trying to get out of work, just get stabbed. Don’t eat this salad instead.”
A spokesperson for McDonald’s declined to comment on the study, instead using the opportunity to promote the new McOrange Lite, the orange that’s worse for you than fighting in a war that took place before modern medicine.