Liberals add clause to Bill C-51 asking terrorists not to attack us - The Beaverton

Liberals add clause to Bill C-51 asking terrorists not to attack us

OTTAWA – After promising to “undo” many of the controversial elements in the Conservative anti-terror legislation, the Liberal government has announced that it will actually add a new clause politely requesting that domestic and foreign terrorists not attack Canada or Canadians.

“Clearly, Canadians were not happy with the bill passed by the previous government and they wanted us to amend the law so that it would keep them safe and protect their rights under the Charter” said Minister of Public Safety . “Turns out that is pretty difficult.”

“But suddenly a lightbulb went off and we realized all we had to do was just ask them not too. Just goes to show you the best ideas are often the simplest,” he added.

The amendment, which is expected to have the support of the NDP and Bloc as well, calls for the government, at it’s earliest convenience, to contact all known terrorist groups by email, fax or carrier pigeon with the request. If that does not succeed an in-person envoy will be sent along with a dozen roses and a Hudson’s Bay blanket (retail price $299.00).

Although unorthodox, Liberal insiders like Trudeau chief of staff Katie Telford insisted the solution was a viable one.

“We are 100% confident in our approach. It’ll be just like when we asked Quebec to stay before the ‘95 referendum, or how the Berlin wall came down only 25 years after Pearson asked the Russians to take it down.”

Political pundits are already praising the decision.

“This is absolutely revolutionary,” said HuffPo’s Marianne DeWitt. “In just a few months the Trudeau government has already solved gender issues and the environment by simply saying they have. Now they can cross terrorism off the list as well.”

Asked for comment, Prime Minister Trudeau winked, smiled and said “Who would want to attack a country as sexy as Canada?”