PALO ALTO – In a stunning display of scientific ineptitude, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists held a press conference to announce that they mistakenly forgot to accommodate daylight savings time in setting the Doomsday Clock this year.
“Oh no! No no no no no no no no no no no no! We’re out of time! No no no no no!” screamed a lab coated physicist running down the halls of the top-secret Clock Bunker, glasses askew and research papers flying out his hands behind him.
The Doomsday Clock, which measures how close humanity is to total annihilation, has perpetually stood at mere minutes to midnight for nearly the past 20 years. This latest blunder, however, means that the Doomsday Clock ought to have been set to 12:57 a.m., 57 minutes past the designated point of total destruction. The error is being blamed on the timekeeper hailing from Arizona, a state in which daylight savings time is not observed.
“I’m not going to lie to you, this is bad,” said Dr. Stan Wolchek, spokesperson for the Bulletin, “We are now in doomsday scenario. Based on the clock, whatever event which led to the total eradication of humankind happened 57 minutes ago and we expect swift death to overtake us all at any moment. We suggest people say final farewells to loved ones and make peace with their maker.”
Although it did not appear as though there was a worsening of any geopolitical conflicts or climate issues which could confirm an impending catastrophe, the Bulletin has remained steadfast that the validity of the clock could not be questioned. When asked whether they could just correct the mistake and re-adjust the clock now, assembled media personnel were condescendingly told “that’s not really the way it works”.
“It’s go-time! Sayonara suckers! Chew ‘em up and spit ‘em out, Earth, because the alarm has rung and it’s closing time!”, an inebriated astrophysicist babbled as he was escorted from the press conference stage.
Other members of the assembled Bulletin team were observed to be huddled over while gently rocking back and forth and muttering “too late” repeatedly.
“We’ve failed in our duties and there’s nothing we can do about it,” Dr. Wolchek continued as muffled sounds of gunshots were heard behind closed laboratory doors at the bunker, “ I mean one or two minutes past midnight? Maybe then we could take drastic steps to avoid the end of the world. But 57? We’re fucked. We’re all fucked. We just can’t control time.”
According to sources, the vibrations emanating from the ground beneath the bunker were growing stronger.
