NATIONWIDE – After spending the last month in seasonally-affected misery, the nation has emerged, just in time to also spend the next month in a complete funk.
“Thank god this bout of depression is finally clearing up,” said Edmonton’s Susan Kwan, 28. “I’d hate to start off my next round of melancholy behind schedule.”
Experts have emphasized the importance of maintaining firm boundaries between the kinds of drear and lassitude felt during different parts of the long and meaningless season of cold.
“January depression is all about crippling regret about what happened the year before and crippling dread of what will happen in the year to come,” said researcher Melody Morris, during a brief manic episode between long periods of torpor. “Whereas February is a purer, more formless dissatisfaction with God’s empty, abandoned Creation.”
Since emerging from the January blues, the nation has managed to eat something, go to the store to buy a bag of white rice, and get almost 20 minutes of productive work accomplished.
“Maybe I’ll even get some exercise tomorrow,” said Moncton’s Devon Shore, 19, who will spend all of February 1st watching Netflix shows he has no interest in, because getting out of bed is just not happening. “Heck, maybe I’ll even talk to a human being.”
At press time, the nation wasn’t sure what it meant for winter when the groundhog was too low to even get out of the burrow and look for his shadow.
