PALO ALTO, CA – In a move that shocked business insiders for its generosity and selflessness, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan have pledged that they will donate nearly all of Facebook’s vast storage of private and confidential information to worthy charities.
“As all our investors and a surprisingly small number of our users know, Facebook has been so successful because it has created a platform where people willfully give out their information, interests, likes and hobbies,” said Zuckerberg in a letter written to his newborn daughter. “I think the time has come where I stop profiting personally from this extensive data mining, and let some not-for-profits have a go.”
“I hope advertisers knowing exactly what kind of ads to target you with will make the kind of difference in the world that I know it can,” Zuckerberg added.
While Zuckerberg and Chan have not revealed exactly what charities will be involved, sources indicate that information about users’ food and fashion preferences will go to Project Water, and all evidence of sexual history and drug use will be given to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. It is unknown which charity will get all those photos you took on your trip to Australia.
“We are so grateful to the Zuckerbergs and we can’t wait to get in there and start selling pieces of your identity to the highest bidder,” said Carol Heart of the Make a Wish Foundation. “I hope other C.E.O.s of companies with access to absurd amounts of personal information will soon follow Mark’s example.”
Asked what was contained in the 1% of personal information that he was holding on to Zuckerberg smiled, winked and said “oh, you know what it is. Didn’t think I’d let that one go did you?”
At press time Twitter was still trying to find a charity interested in your tweet about pistachios.