SAN JOSE – The move to make technology giant Google part of a larger holding company, Alphabet Inc., will allow the company to better focus on running its products as well as on abusing the personal information it collects from you whenever you use them.
“We’re not forgetting our roots,” said Larry Page, former CEO of Google and current CEO of Alphabet. “Users can expect that their Google searches will continue to provide them with same relevant and accurate results they have come to expect, and continue to provide us with the same relevant and accurate data we need in order to construct a highly personal individual profile which we will readily make available to third parties. The only difference is that now all this is going to be much zippier and much snappier.”
“Our name might be different now,” added Page, “But our behind-the-scenes efforts to provide ourselves with the highest quality manipulation of your usage histories will remain, at the very least, unchanged.”
Sources at Google have claimed that the independence afforded to the company by the formation of Alphabet will ensure that your experience with its popular products, such as Maps, Android and YouTube, will now improve at a faster rate. Notably, they have specified that your suspicious visits to an apartment on Atkinson Ave. when your wife is out, your anti-Harper text messages, and your bizarre fascination with koala feet, evidence for which Google has acquired from your use of the aforementioned services, will now have a more secure and unimpeded conduit to the Google servers, and from there, to any government official or high-paying ad company wishing to access them.
At press time, Google’s new OnHub router comes with a 360 degree camera no one has yet to discover.
