Local couple saving to afford dream divorce - The Beaverton

Local couple saving to afford dream divorce

AURORA, ON – After two kids and 15 years of marriage, Pam and John Harris have begun saving up to afford the best divorce proceedings money can buy.

“This is a real priority for both of us, but we don’t want to dig ourselves into debt just to afford a fantasy divorce,” said John clasping the hand of his soon-to-be ex-wife.

“Fortunately my parents have offered to help out,” said Pam. “They were so happy when I told them the news – I had never seen my dad cry before.”

A marketing director and nurse respectively John and Pam have decided to work together so hopefully, one day, they can each afford their very own high-priced lawyer. 

“I want Hauser, Schmidt and Walker, because that was my grandmother’s firm,” said John, grinning nostalgically. “But I know Pam has her eyes set on Goldberg, Devons, Topps and Schwartz, the firm my buddy Marcel used after he divorced his wife and started sleeping with mine.”

When asked how they knew it was time to embark on this family journey of legally ending their family, Pam said,

“It was almost like how John proposed to me. We were out to dinner at a fancy restaurant on the one night in three months that we were able to be alone with each other, and we were both sniping and making backhanded comments the whole time spaced between long awkward silences. After the meal I went to the washroom and when I came back, I caught him sexting a woman from work whom he’s apparently “just friends” with. It was that moment where I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him in holy alimony.”

The Harris family figures that the costs of divorce isn’t just legal proceedings, but also the moving expenses, new accommodations, and therapy for themselves and most likely the children. All tolled, the family figures they need to save $200,000, so the current divorce date is set for August 30th, 2018. But if that seems a long way away, John says they do have a plan B.

“I suppose there is always the ‘run away to Vegas’ option. Move there, change my identity, become a professional bowler and never see that bitch ever again.”