Canada opts for pull-out method instead of environmental protection - The Beaverton

Canada opts for pull-out method instead of environmental protection

OTTAWA – After withdrawing from a UN anti-drought convention late last month, the Harper government announced today that it will rely on the pull-out method as its default policy for future environmental treaties, protocols and accords.

According to officials, the pull-out method, commonly referred to as “Kyotos interruptus,” will involve Canada seducing other nations with its reputation, inserting lengthy clauses into sweeping environmental accords and finally withdrawing its support at the last minute.

“If you’re concerned about nature, you ought to do things naturally,” explained Environment Minister Peter Kent. “The trick is to withdraw before the emissions start coming out. It’s much less hassle than a protocol, which would just ruin the feeling.”

Canada started employing the pull-out method in December 2011, when diplomats announced the country’s withdrawal from the Kyoto protocol on climate change following a prolonged intercourse with other UN member states. The move was widely regarded as a climax in the Harper government’s gradual shift away from earth control over the last decade.

In March of this year, Canada reaffirmed its new policy by pulling out abruptly of the UN Convention to Combat Desertification, leaving the nation’s left totally unsatisfied. But officials reassured the public that the move was not “premature” and that Canada’s refractory period is “nearly over.”

“Soon we’ll be inserting our massive pipeline into Nebraska,” said Kent.

Many have spoken out in opposition to the pull-out method, expressing concern that few are confident enough in their impending emissions to justify using it. A representative from Plant Parenthood called the policy “juvenile” and “reckless,” while Green Party leader Elizabeth May claimed it was “vulgar” and “irresponsible.”

“The statistics speak for themselves,” said May. “The pull-out method has a very high failure rate, but environmental protection, if done properly, works 90% of the time.”

“You learn this stuff in middle school,” added May.

While the Harper government is firmly committed to the pull-out method with regards to environmental matters, it remains resolute on using protection for oil companies while they frack.

At press time, the government remained firm in its “abstinence-only” approach to social programs and the arts.