ORLANDO – A recent investigation by the US Department of Justice has revealed that the deplorable hate group known as the “Westboro Baptist Church” is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the marginally less deplorable multinational media conglomerate known as “Disney.”
Chairman and CEO Bob Iger has released a statement claiming that ownership of the small Kansas-based church was not known by the board or any significant shareholders. Instead, the ownership seems to be the result of a complicated series of international acquisitions and transactions that occurred over the last 10 years.
A source at Disney, who declined to give his name, confirms that the acquisition was the result a series of complicated transactions beginning in 2001. Apparently Fred Phelps, the acting head of the Westboro Baptist Church, quietly took the company public in that year. Confirms the unnamed source, “I guess the Westboro shares were just grabbed up along with everything we were buying back then.”
The antitrust investigation has revealed the extensive reach of the Disney Corporation, a conglomerate that now comprises 5 distinct units or segments, each totalling between 10 and 30 subsidiaries, with associated trusts and holding companies designed to limit the umbrella company’s liability and enable far-reaching and diverse corporate acquisitions.
These subsidiary companies manufacture everything from children’s toys to children’s titanium containment units (for use in juvenile detention facilities). Shockingly, the assets include 4 different sex toy manufacturers, only one of which makes use of the distinctive “Mickey Mouse” character on its products.
But perhaps most surprising is the extent of the corporations religious holdings – apart from wholly owning the controversial Kansas church, Disney also owns a significant amount of shares in the Catholic Church and an overwhelming percent of shares in the Church of Latter Day Saints.
“This ownership doesn’t mean Disney controls the religious figures charged with making decisions for their congregations,” Ronny Farkas, an international business transaction lawyer, clarified. “It simply means that these religious leaders can only follow their spiritual callings if those callings are in the best interest of Walt Disney Co’s shareholders.”
Although the upper echelons of Disney have disavowed any knowledge of their ownership of the Church, various Westboro elements have been incorporated into Disney’s children’s programming. Child Programming Director Bill Knopf wrote and produced several episodes of a popular children’s series which included the widely recognizable “God Hates Fags” picket signs.
Disney has since pulled the controversial episodes from their networks, except for local stations in Kansas. According to Bill Knopf, a children’s programmer in charge of Disney’s offerings in the American midwest, “they love that shit in Kansas.”
