guelph Archives - The Beaverton

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Girlfriend scientists find 99% of food too spicy

GUELPH, ON – Research done by girlfriend scientists at the University of Guelph has uncovered that nearly all food is far too hot and/or spicy. The study involved the tasting of hundreds of…


Man with sweaty back mourns arrival of summer

GUELPH, ON – The onset of warm weather has left local man Jake Blume completely unable to go out in public without sweating through his clothes. “Great, now I get to spend four months of my…