WASHINGTON, D.C. – Earlier this week, U.S. President Donald Trump was unable to remember the explicit instructions he was given to stop talking about Canada in order to help the man he’s ta…
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Panicking Poilievre purportedly planning political pivot pending poll performance
PETERBOROUGH – Present polls panicking Pierre Poilievre, proving poor political performance, privy pals pronounced. “Pah! Pesky plebs!” pouted Poilievre. “Perhaps people picture Pierre Poil…
Mark Carney pretty sure being PM will be as easy as this election campaign has been
“I assume I’ll just show up and everything will unfold perfectly for me at all times right?” Guest host Ian MacIntyre and the Panel (Nile Seguin, Clare Blackwood and Diana McCal…
Man in movie theatre just needs to use his phone to send a quick text and read the complete works of Lucy Maud Montgomery
EDMONTON – As a hotly-anticipated blockbuster began playing in a packed theatre, 36-year-old Colin Schneider reassured his fellow moviegoers that he’d put his incredibly bright phone away just as…
Mark Carney not sure what he has to do to alienate left-wing voters
“How many times do I need to announce tax cuts or tell Palestinian activists to pound sand before you go back to the NDP?” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Nile Seguin and Jocelyn G…
Conservatives unveil new holding area for journalists attending Poilievre’s rallies
“Anyone who doesn’t talk about how big the crowds are in an erotic way goes in the Iron Maiden!” The Beaverton Weekly Report is back to cover all the top stories, from the tarif…
Rogers CEO says joy of torturing Canadians with garbage hockey broadcast worth way more than 11 billion dollars
TORONTO – One week after signing a 12 year deal for NHL broadcasting rights that cost twice as much as their last deal, Rogers CEO Tony Staffieri said the deal is an investment in the compa…
Convicted “Freedom Convoy” organizers hoping Trump will pardon them
OTTAWA – After being found guilty of criminal mischief, “Freedom Convoy” organizers Chris Barber and Tamara Lich insist they are not worried about what kind of sentence they’ll face as they’re su…
Dropped Conservative candidates horrified to realize other people can see their social media posts
OTTAWA – With less than a month to go until the federal election, candidates for the Conservative Party of Canada have been shocked and dismayed to learn that the things they post and share…
Poilievre to boost numbers with women by encouraging them to ask their husbands if they can vote for him
“If you ask nicely, maybe he’ll let you use the credit card this weekend too!” The Beaverton Weekly Report is making fun of the news once again. Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyr…
