Prime Minister Harper apologized today for the drinking that caused a young woman to be hospitalized during his son Ben’s 18th birthday party on Wednesday, explaining he would never had allowed it had...
Killer whale brought to justice
SEA OF JAPAN – After following a thirty-year long trail of slain fish, squid and seals, the crew of the whaler Pekuad Maru say that an infamous killer whale has been brought to justice. “This wa...
Report: ‘Hello Kitty’ actually best possible outcome of Kroeger/Lavigne collaboration
TORONTO – According to a recent study from the University of Toronto Faculty of Music, Avril Lavigne’s derided single “Hello Kitty” is, “when you think about it, literally the best thing that Av...
McDonald’s Canada CEO fired, replaced by temporary foreign worker
TORONTO – After calling reports that McDonald’s uses foreign labour “bullshit”, CEO John Betts has been let go and replaced with a temporary foreign worker. “We decided that John was...
Drake pretty sure Raptors’ coach will put him in next game
TORONTO – In the lead up to the next Raptors playoff game, rap-artist Drake has been telling friends and family that he has “a pretty good shot” of getting some playing time. “...
I’m not the fucking Science Guy, you fucks
BY BILL NIGHY Every time I tell them my name at Starbucks, the cashier seems to feel the need to ask me, “Oh, like the science guy?” Ha ha. Well. Take a good fucking look at my last name you shit bird...
Man breaks up with girlfriend to avoid buying tampons
MONCTON – After she requested that he pick up some tampons on his way home, local man Christopher Brunel has broken up with his girlfriend of 11 months. “At first, I was actually kind of excited...
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Name: OCAD University Nickname: The Jenga of Universities Motto: “You can’t put a price on art. Wait, yes you can, it’s $6,000 a semester” History: OCAD University was originally founded as the Ontar...
CBC cuts force Radio 2 to just play a loon’s call on repeat
TORONTO – Due to the $130 million cuts to Canada’s national public broadcaster this year, CBC’s Radio 2 has been forced to reduce its broadcast to playing the call of a loon on repeat during all...
