Doctors admit ‘turn-your-head-and-cough’ procedure one big practical joke

TORONTO – The Canadian Medical Association announced today that the procedure of twisting a man’s scrotum and asking him to turn his head and cough is a longstanding prank. Until now, docto…

In triumph of democracy, Harper writes laws for all future governments

OTTAWA – Seeking to strengthen democratic institutions, Prime Minister Stephen Harper used this week’s speech from the throne to announce the legislative agenda of all future governments. “…

Senators on Throne Speech: ‘So this is what the Senate looks like’

OTTAWA – Members of the Canadian Senate were impressed to see the Senate Chambers for the first time during the Speech from the Throne early today. “It’s all red!” said an amazed Janis John…

Throne Speech: 8 things Canadians can expect

OTTAWA – The Harper government will resume parliament with a Speech from the Throne today. Here are what Canadians can expect: 1. Reduced roaming charges for robo-calls made from cell phone…

Montreal construction industry eagerly awaits election of next employee

MONTREAL – Municipal election season is hiring season for construction firms in Montreal, coincidentally. “It’s been a rough summer for us,” said SNC Lavalin CEO Robert G Card. “A lot of ou…

Rick Springfield arrested for stalking Jessie’s Girl

LOS ANGELES — Rick Springfield was arrested this week for violating the terms of a restraining order against the woman known only as ‘Jessie’s Girl.’ Few knew the 1980s ro…

PROROGATION UPDATE: Harper thanks republicans for making him look so polite

OTTAWA – Taking some time out of his not-so-busy prorogation schedule yesterday, Prime Minister Stephen Harper wrote a letter to John Boehner and the Republican caucus thanking them for mak…

Local man suffers devastating loss of erection after girlfriend explains Zodiac compatibility

Cornwall, ON – The burgeoning relationship between Monica Carlstrom and Brent Sherway has been progressing steadily until 8 pm last night when tragedy struck. The couple was about to become intim…

Physicists discover black hole in social life

TORONTO – After spending years in virtual isolation from the outside world, a team of astrophysicists at the University of Toronto have confirmed the existence of a supermassive black hole at the…

Canadian navy warship contributes to drug bust by not sinking

HALIFAX – HMCS Preserver made the difference in a cocaine bust in the Caribbean Sea by staying afloat earlier this week. “The Royal Canadian Navy demonstrated professionalism and hard work …